It was hard

Yesterday I was honored to join Zach and Jess at the Herbfarm for dinner with some friends, including some in my building. I met Carolyn and Jeff downstairs in the lobby as I was giving them a ride seeing as we all live in the same building and I wasn’t drinking. Our building does wine socials on Fridays after work and there were folks already in the lobby. One of them came up to me and asked if Benjamin was coming to the social. I politely let them know that we broke up and that Benjamin is back in Denver. Having had to cover this ground before and knowing how awkward it can be for the other person, I made small talk until Carolyn and Jeff showed up. Still, it was hard.

The last time I was at the Herbfarm it was for Jeff and Jonobie’s 10-year anniversary last summer. This was during the time that B and I were having a rough spot and only I went. Being there again reminded me of that, and it was hard.

Jason and Drew arrived a few minutes late to complete our party. After Jason sat down one of the first questions he asked was “where’s your husband”. There it was again for the second time in as many hours. It wasn’t his fault and I filled him in. It was hard.

Between one of the courses I excused myself and went to the bathroom. The music playing in the hallway was a Michael Buble song. I thought of Benjamin and it was hard.

Dinner itself, both the food and the company, was most excellent. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with such awesome people — laughing at our favorites of the 31 jokes for nerds, talking shop about computers and the industry, and overall having a great time. I couldn’t help but thinking that were B here, he would love the food, atmosphere, and the people but still not fully enjoyed himself with the conversation. He and I have always run in two different sets of social circles and I was very much in my social element last night; he wouldn’t have been. I still missed him being there, and that was hard.

Seeing all the happy couples there last night and thinking “I use to have that”, was hard.

Today I went downtown to exchange some jeans at Old Navy and stopped by the Hallmark store to purchase a birthday card for B. None of the cards said what I wanted them to say, not that I’m exactly sure what that is. I ended up getting a blank card. Now I just have to figure out what I want to say — a task I expect to be hard.