It was hard

Yesterday I was honored to join Zach and Jess at the Herbfarm for dinner with some friends, including some in my building. I met Carolyn and Jeff downstairs in the lobby as I was giving them a ride seeing as we all live in the same building and I wasn’t drinking. Our building does wine socials on Fridays after work and there were folks already in the lobby. One of them came up to me and asked if Benjamin was coming to the social. I politely let them know that we broke up and that Benjamin is back in Denver. Having had to cover this ground before and knowing how awkward it can be for the other person, I made small talk until Carolyn and Jeff showed up. Still, it was hard.

The last time I was at the Herbfarm it was for Jeff and Jonobie’s 10-year anniversary last summer. This was during the time that B and I were having a rough spot and only I went. Being there again reminded me of that, and it was hard.

Jason and Drew arrived a few minutes late to complete our party. After Jason sat down one of the first questions he asked was “where’s your husband”. There it was again for the second time in as many hours. It wasn’t his fault and I filled him in. It was hard.

Between one of the courses I excused myself and went to the bathroom. The music playing in the hallway was a Michael Buble song. I thought of Benjamin and it was hard.

Dinner itself, both the food and the company, was most excellent. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with such awesome people — laughing at our favorites of the 31 jokes for nerds, talking shop about computers and the industry, and overall having a great time. I couldn’t help but thinking that were B here, he would love the food, atmosphere, and the people but still not fully enjoyed himself with the conversation. He and I have always run in two different sets of social circles and I was very much in my social element last night; he wouldn’t have been. I still missed him being there, and that was hard.

Seeing all the happy couples there last night and thinking “I use to have that”, was hard.

Today I went downtown to exchange some jeans at Old Navy and stopped by the Hallmark store to purchase a birthday card for B. None of the cards said what I wanted them to say, not that I’m exactly sure what that is. I ended up getting a blank card. Now I just have to figure out what I want to say — a task I expect to be hard.

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I'm a gay geek living in Seattle, WA.

4 thoughts on “It was hard”

  1. The reality vs. the romantic

    Seeing all the happy couples there last night and thinking “I use to have that”, was hard.

    It has been my experience over and over in my life that “all those happy couples” are not.

    This is not to be cynical, jaded or a relationship-hater in general. This is just a reality check on what I think Single Dad Laughing so eloquently refers to as “being real” in his “The disease called Perfection” blog entry.

    With that said, I am in no way trying to invalidate your feelings during last night’s situation. I’m just hoping to provide a little perspective, and to say, “I hope it gets less hard.”


    1. Re: The reality vs. the romantic

      I should have been more specific and said “Seeing all the happy-in-the-moment couples…”. I think what I was missing was B’s companionship, of just having someone with whom to share in the moment.

      From what people tell me, B and I did a good job of putting up a good public front even when we were working through some hard things, so I agree with you and SDL that just because couples are happy doesn’t necessarily mean things are perfection. I think the closest time any relationship would ever come to perfection is the second date.

      As always, thank you for reading and commenting my friend!


      1. Re: The reality vs. the romantic

        Like your comment about “Closest time to perfection…” :)

        Good luck with the card-filling-in, and hugs. You do such a good job putting on a face in public that it’s easy to miss that there are triggers you’re reacting to.


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