Sparks, or lack thereof

I’ve been going on lots of “meeting people dates”. Just getting together with new guys for coffee to test the waters. Lots of them. And from these I’ve been acquiring lots of acquaintances. From all the “dates” I’ve had maybe three people were friend material. One of these is rapidly becoming a good friend (hi J!). With one of them I felt the spark of there-could-be-something-more but if he had a similar spark, it seems to have cooled on his side and I’ve decided the ball is firmly in his court.

Based on the interactions of some of the guys I’ve met they’ve felt sparks on their end (I’ll throw modesty aside for a moment and say that in some ways I’m a catch so this doesn’t seem entirely unreasonable) but it’s not been reciprocated on my end.

I’m looking for mutual sparks. Sparks of potential deep friendships. Sparks of potential relationship material.

I’m tired of meeting nice people but it not going anywhere. Meeting nice people is great, but as an introvert I like having a smaller set of close friends, not these wide nets of acquaintances. I think there are still slots on my dance card for “new friends” but it’s to the point where I can be more discerning and start focusing less on some of the folks who are acquaintances taking up space on my social calendar. Otherwise, I won’t have time to see if there’s someone out there where the sparks are reciprocated.


I moved out of my parents house when I was 16 to go to college. I graduated and become completely financially independent when I was 21. For over 11 years I’ve had a stable and lucrative job — 10 of them with one company. I’ve come out of the closet. I’ve bought three cars and sold one. I’ve gotten married. I’ve gotten divorced. I’ve bought two houses and refinanced one of them. I’ve moved to two different states. I carry only asset-backed debt. I save for retirement.

And yet despite all of that – I still don’t feel like an adult. I expected at some point in my life feeling like I’d made that transition from childhood to adulthood but it’s never happened. And part of me wonders if I made that transition earlier in my life than most people do. I’ve by no means had a tough childhood, but I’ve always been insanely responsible. Early on I associated better with people my parents’ age than my peers. And while I have done my fair share of stupid things (the ones that spring immediately to mind were with John Bariou) none of them come close to stories I hear from others and I don’t regret any of them (instead I cherish them).

So if we define adulthood as some level of maturity, some degree of responsibleness, some amount of self-reliance then perhaps I’ve been an “adult” most of my life. Or perhaps that idea is entirely too self-serving and the reality is that no one has a sense of “I’m now an adult”, that it’s a gradual progression from childhood that goes unnoticed internally and can only been seen by others.

Maybe I’ll revisit this post in 20 years after I’ve seen my nieces and nephews grow up.