This past week I was chatting with a gentleman online whom I’m very much interested in. During one of our conversations he called me a “totally unattainable man”. Me? Unattainable? To this handsome fellow!? I understand in the abstract — there have been individuals I too have considered unattainable — but I’ve never thought about someone else applying that label to me. I’ve been muddling over this concept in my head all week, both the perceived unattainability of others and my perceived unattainability.

What makes someone unattainable? Is it more about them as a person or about our insecurities?

Self image

I’ve encountered guys I’ve thought to be unattainable (LJ friends might recall this post), so I’m no stranger to the phenomenon. After some reflection I’ve decided that the more physically attractive I find someone, the more I think they are unattainable to me. In fact, the more attractive they are the more unlikely I am to even initiate communication, online or in person. Admittedly this is entirely about me and my self image. Someone I think is really attractive I can’t fathom wanting to be with me who I don’t perceive to be as attractive. Sadly, we gay men seem to come in two flavors: those who underestimate how physically attractive they are and those who know it and as a result are often total assholes. Maybe the latter have the upper hand when wrestling with the concept of unattainability.

Not just a slab of meat

I have initiated communication with amazingly attractive guys when I have context to build on besides what they look like. Having only a picture from their online profile or seeing them across the room without knowing anything about them is intimidating. If, instead, their profile or a mutual friend conveys something about them, I’m much more inclined to initiate a conversation. I view people as more approachable, and ultimately more attainable, when they aren’t just a pretty face.

Too good to be true?

Assuming I get past being intimidated by their dashing good looks, it’s often remarkably intimidating to know that they also have a good job, are generally happy in life, share some of the same interests as I do, and even communicate in a similar fashion. You start stacking things up and realize: they’re unattainable because they’re too good to be true, something must be wrong with them.

There are no perfect guys, but I have to keep reminding myself that sometimes the stars line up, sometimes you really do encounter quality, attractive, guys. It doesn’t mean that there will be chemistry or that they’ll even agree to a first date, but it does mean I need to stop talking myself out of initiating conversation with someone.

Call me, maybe

All of the above is a take-away for me, on how people I think are unattainable may not really be unattainable. But given that someone made the ‘unattainable’ comment about me (although it still defies belief), I’ll be so bold to write a take-away for others who might read this: I, too, am perfectly attainable.

If you’re interested, say hello. Message me online. Come up to me in a bar. Strike up a conversation. Most of my friends would agree I’m a nice guy. I can’t guarantee chemistry but I’m perfectly approachable and by no means unattainable.

Oh, and fill out your online profiles — you become a much more interesting person when there’s context around that handsome mug.

Marriage equality come November in WA

For those of you just tuning in, I was married1 to a man for 7.5 years until 1.5 years ago. I don’t regret a single moment but as it currently stands I don’t expect to get married again. Still, I’m a rabid supporter of marriage equality and am betting big on WA Referendum 74 this November.

The Washington legislature voted to allow gay marriage back in February but a referendum was submitted to put it to a public vote. Thus far, every public vote on the topic of marriage equality in any US state has failed. Every one. I don’t think civil rights should be put to a vote — by definition the rights being voted on are for the minority. It’s the job of the courts to ensure the majority aren’t tyrants of the minority. Yet the judicial system doesn’t want to get too far ahead of public opinion.

That in turn beings us full circle to WA Referendum 74. If approved, gays can marry in Washington state. Does that affect me? Not directly, at least not any longer and probably not in the future. But it’s an important step in moving the ball forward2. Another indicator that our generation is more open minded and accepting than that which preceded us. One more way to help obsolete the “It Gets Better” project — because it will already be better.

So my fellow gays, even if you despise the institution of marriage and never intend on getting married yourself, please go vote to approve WA Referendum 74 come November. We owe it to those that come after us, but most importantly we owe it to ourselves.

1 While we considered ourselves married, our relationship was never recognized as such in any of the 3 states we lived in during that time.

2 Yes, I just just used a sports reference.

Enabling SMB Large MTU on Windows Clients

If you are looking to enable SMB large MTU on a Windows Client, you’ll probably start with a Google (or Bing) search. One of the first results is this TechNet article.

From the table you get the impression that to enable large MTU on a client, you need to create a DWORD at HKLM\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\LanmanWorkstation\Parameters with key SMB2 Client Disable Large MTU and set the value to 0.

You would be wrong.

Instead, you need to create a DWORD at HKLM\System\CurrentControlSet\Services\LanmanWorkstation\Parameters with key DisableLargeMtu and set the value to 0, then reset the computer.

That’s an important difference. I’ve poked Jonobie at Microsoft to see if we can get the page updated. She’s kindly added a community feedback post at my request.

Not letting “I’m busy” rule my life

I’ve found the phrase “I’m busy” comes up in my conversations more and more recently. It appears I’m not alone. But this blog entry isn’t to talk about how we as a country feel an incessant need to stay occupied, but rather about using that as an excuse.

A few weeks ago a gentleman I was seeing, and with whom I thought there was mutual chemistry, told me he wasn’t interested in seeing me any longer because he didn’t have the time to invest into the relationship that he thought it deserved. In short, he was too busy to have a relationship, at least with me.

I’ve found myself using “I’m busy” as an excuse on why I haven’t done something or another: responding to an email, getting together with friends, etc. But frankly, the excuse is hogwash. We’re all busy. Yet we somehow make time to do the things that we deem important to us.

We’re at one of the most stressful parts of the release cycle at work. Long hours at the office and insanely packed days are the norm, but I still need to make downtime for me and time spent with my friends. Yes, that may mean living even more rigedly by a schedule for the next several months, but that’s better than living under a merky haze of being ambigiously “busy”.

So I’m purging “I’m busy” from my vocabulary, becoming even better friends with my calendar, and making time to do things that are important to me.