Unattainability

This past week I was chatting with a gentleman online whom I’m very much interested in. During one of our conversations he called me a “totally unattainable man”. Me? Unattainable? To this handsome fellow!? I understand in the abstract — there have been individuals I too have considered unattainable — but I’ve never thought about someone else applying that label to me. I’ve been muddling over this concept in my head all week, both the perceived unattainability of others and my perceived unattainability.

What makes someone unattainable? Is it more about them as a person or about our insecurities?

Self image

I’ve encountered guys I’ve thought to be unattainable (LJ friends might recall this post), so I’m no stranger to the phenomenon. After some reflection I’ve decided that the more physically attractive I find someone, the more I think they are unattainable to me. In fact, the more attractive they are the more unlikely I am to even initiate communication, online or in person. Admittedly this is entirely about me and my self image. Someone I think is really attractive I can’t fathom wanting to be with me who I don’t perceive to be as attractive. Sadly, we gay men seem to come in two flavors: those who underestimate how physically attractive they are and those who know it and as a result are often total assholes. Maybe the latter have the upper hand when wrestling with the concept of unattainability.

Not just a slab of meat

I have initiated communication with amazingly attractive guys when I have context to build on besides what they look like. Having only a picture from their online profile or seeing them across the room without knowing anything about them is intimidating. If, instead, their profile or a mutual friend conveys something about them, I’m much more inclined to initiate a conversation. I view people as more approachable, and ultimately more attainable, when they aren’t just a pretty face.

Too good to be true?

Assuming I get past being intimidated by their dashing good looks, it’s often remarkably intimidating to know that they also have a good job, are generally happy in life, share some of the same interests as I do, and even communicate in a similar fashion. You start stacking things up and realize: they’re unattainable because they’re too good to be true, something must be wrong with them.

There are no perfect guys, but I have to keep reminding myself that sometimes the stars line up, sometimes you really do encounter quality, attractive, guys. It doesn’t mean that there will be chemistry or that they’ll even agree to a first date, but it does mean I need to stop talking myself out of initiating conversation with someone.

Call me, maybe

All of the above is a take-away for me, on how people I think are unattainable may not really be unattainable. But given that someone made the ‘unattainable’ comment about me (although it still defies belief), I’ll be so bold to write a take-away for others who might read this: I, too, am perfectly attainable.

If you’re interested, say hello. Message me online. Come up to me in a bar. Strike up a conversation. Most of my friends would agree I’m a nice guy. I can’t guarantee chemistry but I’m perfectly approachable and by no means unattainable.

Oh, and fill out your online profiles — you become a much more interesting person when there’s context around that handsome mug.